PITTY PARTY
I was hoping when I woke up this morning that I would be feeling better about the situation. I am still scared to death. What I am about to say is terrible, I know it is, but I am having the biggest fattest pitty party for myself today. This morning I lashed out at Mark. I told him that I felt all alone in all of this because since day one everyone has been telling me "it's probably nothing. Everything will be fine." No one seems to be as worried about it as I am. I have always been the kind of person who is very pesimistic. I admit it but I wish someone would show some kind of feelings about it. I need to know that someone is concerned. All I am getting is "It's probably nothing." Well, we know now it's not "nothing!!" Like I said, I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way. I have 5 million emotions running around in my head and I feel like I am on a spinning wheel. I am sure that the fact that I am a little emotional because my favorite aunt came to visit yesterday (Flow). Plus, I have all day to sit here and wallow in my pitty party. I don't know, I just feel really alone in this.
Mark did bring me a beautiful card yesterday. I know that he is concerned. I know he is. I have told him and Jeremy that I need them to be strong and us get through what ever this is going to be, together, but then I start thinking about how very bad it could be and how even though there is only a 3% mortality rate if caught early I still worry about leaving Mark. He would not make it. He has told me a thousand times that I can't die before him.
I need to just get around, go take a shower, go for a drive, or just wipe off the pitty and stop it. THat's what I'm going to do. I can not let this thing beat me. What ever it is. Well, thanks for listening to my pitty party. I feel better now.
Can't wait till the weekend. It's going to be beautiful. We had thunderstorms this morning. First time since we moved up here there has been thunderstorms. It wasn't even that big of one. A little lighteneing and a few claps of thunder. Anyway, it has stopped raining now.
Ok..See ya!
posted by Robbyn @ 10:01 AM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Robbyn,
You are entitled to your pity-party to a point. It is normal and natural to be afraid, and ask why during a time when you have no control over your own body. Right now, the only control you have right now is your attitude about whatever happens, and you can control that by prayer. Pray that God will help you to accept which ever way it goes. As for feeling like no one cares or is worried, you know how silly that is. We are all very, very worried about you, but we also know how emotional you are, and if we fall apart for you, you will too. We are all trying to be strong FOR you, so that you know that if you need strength, we will have it to give to you. I remember how Auntie Tommie was when she found out she had cancer, and that her survival rate wasn't good. I never saw her stumble or fall, although I am sure that she did in private, but to her family she was a rock. She was actually the one who comforted them. The strength she had was amazing, and it changed me forever. If she never did anything her entire life, (which she did, of course), the way she handled herself after finding out that she would die touched me in a way that I will never forget. You will have to draw on the strength right now that we have inside of us. It's a strength that we have inherited from all of the generations of strong women in our family, and Lord knows we have seen that strength our whole lives. You have it too, because you cannot be raised by a strong woman, and not possess those qualities yourself. I have seen this strength in you too. You have had the strength to leave a few(being nice!) bad marriages, and you have had the strength to raise a child all by yourself, a child who is a good person with a huge and loving heart. You have strength that you don't even know about, and it will kick in when you need it. You are my sister, and I love you, and I know this "will turn out to be nothing", and the reason I know this is because you are not allowed to have anything bad. I will not allow it, you are my sister, and you have to help me bury our parents when their time comes. I won't do that alone, so you just need to make up your mind like I have that this is something that will be taken care of. We will go to Jeremy's wedding together, and we will hold his babies together and coo and say how beautiful they are. These things WILL happen, and you WILL be there so cowgirl up and get on with it! You are a Texan, and just like Fords, we are built tough! I love you, Sis.
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